Hellsing Secrets
by SlashnYaoi
Summary: Welcome to Hellsing Secrets, where we show you, the viewers, an inside look of Hellsing's most wellgaurded secrets! Is Intagra's paperwork really naughty stories? Is Walter a boxers or briefs man? Find out!
1. Paper work and Cigars

There are a few secrets that everyone in the Hellsing organization had. Not the same secrets, mind you, but a secret or two nonetheless.

First of all, if anyone had bothered to look at the paper work on Integra's desk, they would have noticed something. The top piece always had something on it, sure enough, and the piles were tall, which was true as the overstuffed files. What no one had bothered to notice was that if they picked up that single piece of paper, opened that file, or knocked down that pile, they would discover the same thing: nothing. That's right, nothing.

Every other piece of paper in Integra's office was blank. Why was it blank, you may ask? Why was she constantly sitting behind large mountains of fake paperwork, looking busy?

That's easy: One, she could smoke without need for explanation. Two, if gave her an excuse to get rid of people. And three, it made her look good.

Stay tuned when we return of another Chapter of Hellsing Secrets, when we show you why Alucard is _really_ smiling.


	2. Smile baby

Alucard loved being a vampire.

He really did.

The blood, the gore, immortality, hot chicks, perfect figure... What wasn't there to love? Eternal damnation, oh well, he _impaled_ people; he was damned before he changed. Eternal servitude? Well, those bullets did sting, but he was never bored.

But life got really good when he changed her.

Police girl: big breasts, hourglass figure, nice arse, and a natural blond.

Yes, Alucard loved being a vampire.

The whole- can-hide-in-shadows-why-you-shower-and can-see-through-you-clothes-thing was just icing on the cake.

And people wondered why he smiled.

Next time, On Hellsing Secrets, Is Walter a boxers or briefs man?


	3. Boxers or Briefs?

A/N - I've had people express the opinions on Walter's choice of undergarments, but this is my take. This doesn't mean stop suggesting your ideas for the next uncovered secret, I may add it as an alternate, or use it.

* * *

At one point in everyone woman or man's life they ask that eternal question – boxers or briefs? In some cases (CoughJohnyDeppcough) we hope the answer is nothing at all. 

Other cases, as this one, we hope it is the complete opposite.

I had started innocently enough, the Police Girl had found out her new can-hide-in-shadows-why-you-shower-and can-see-through-you-clothes-power. So being the curious girl she was, she decided to answer that question, mostly about random people.

She would never be able to take her captain seriously after finding he wore boxers with little pink hearts and lips on them.

Nor could she stop laughing when she realized a certain man with a braid (ref to magna character) wore a pair that said, "Bite me, I'm French" with vampire teeth printed on them.

She would have wonderful dreams when she realized that Alucard, who was a No Life King and had lived for centuries, found underwear to be a strange item of clothing he had no use fore.

But when she found the Integra wore Hello Kitty underwear she was wondered if it was the best decision to look, especially when her master was smirking like crazy, like he was challenging her to continue.

Prick.

To she looked up to see if Integera's bra would match.

……fish net stocking…….

And so it was really Alucard's fault, because he had made the slight gesture to Walter that she had looked.

……..

……..

…….. ¬.¬lll

It would be months before she could look him in the face again.

Screaming, "Oh my god, my eyes, my eyes! It burns!" while trying to scratch her eyes out hadn't have helped.

But really? A man his age!

The memory would forever be burned into her mind.

Walter in a tiny WOMAN'S thong that proudly read, in bold red lettering: Baby Doll.

_shivers_

Next time on Hellsing Secrets: Why is Seras's (or is it Ceras?) uniform skirt so short?

Send in your questions! Have them answered…no really, I'm running out of ideas here!


	4. Skirt?

When Seras had been rather pissed when she first joined her human 'police' division, the outfit she wore was ridiculously short and tight. Honestly, had the other women have no modesty?!

So when she had joined the Hellsing Org. and had found out she was the only female officer, she had been relieved. That had meant she was probably just going to wear the same uniform as the men- pants and top.

So when she found the little piece of cloth they called a skirt laying under the military issued shirt, she had not been happy.

A woman, for the love of the Queen, ran the Organization!

So, with much anger and indignation, she had marched right into Integra's office and had demanded why she was going to wear a belt as a skirt.

"It'll distract our enemies."

It hadn't been until her first mission that she realized FREAKS could care less if she wore a catholic schoolgirl's uniform.

So, she marched back up to Integra's office and had demanded yet another explanation.

"Look" Integra had been rather stressed, seeing as how Walter had once again hidden her cigars. She fought vampires; lung cancer was the least of her worries! "It keeps Alucard and the rest of the men happy and rises morals, deal with it!"

Seras had nothing to say to that.

* * *

So, which question do you want next? 

Are the men of Hellsing compensating for something?

What else does Walter use that wire for?

Where does Alucard keep his ammo?

What is in Integra's cigars?

Why does Anderson wear glasses instead of contacts?

Why is Alucard so pretty?

Why is Seras so awkward around Integra?

Why does Walter have a strange obsession with guns, when he doesn't use them?

Perhaps A special Omake.


	5. Poll

Stop sending me questions! I have more then enough questions! Now, new vote, what do you want next?

* * *

How and why did Pip get the eye patch?

Seras boobs- their size, perkiness, and growth (?) after she got turned.

Why does Integra dress like a guy?

Are the Hellsing boys compensating for something?

Where does Alucard sleep?

What do the people of Hellsing do during their time off?

Why haven't Alucard and Integra gotten together? (I have a rather fun answer to this, involving silver piercings and holy water.)

Why does Seras have such a HUGE gun?

Why does Alucard keep his old gun?

Why is Walter still human? (Didn't they answer this in the magna?)

Where does Alucard keep all his bullets?

Can Walter tune pianos? (He does control wires)

Are Integra's cigars tobacco, or a safe substitute like some people use?

Why does Anderson wear glasses when he can get contacts?

Why does pip wear a cowboy hat?

Why is Alucard so damn pretty?

Why is Seras so awkward around Integra?

Why does Walter know so much about guns when he doesn't use them as his prime weapon?


End file.
